01
I don't like going to the hospital.
Not because of the smell of disinfectant, but because of a group of doctors in white coats, all covering their faces, making me dizzy.
It's just that the pain in my stomach is small and long. I hold the list of gastroscopes and sit in the waiting room boredly looking at everyone, when I suddenly see a familiar figure.
It was said to be familiar, but that person was dressed as a nationally unified doctor, and the only eye exposed from the edge of the mask was also covered by glasses, so he couldn't see it clearly.
I shuddered to think, how can life be so coincidental.
When I was called, I was lying on the platform as if I was dying, and then heard the doctor who performed gastroscopy instruct the person next to me: "Write a copy of your diagnosis to me later."
"it is good."
A deep male voice answered, but it sounded like a thunder in my mind.
I've heard this sound too many times. Familiar tone, familiar tone.
I stiffened and wanted to turn my head, but the doctor ordered me not to move. The gastroscope brought tears to the corners of my eyes, and in the dim light of tears, the familiar figure stood straight and cold under the light.
It just coincides with the contours that are familiar to me.
Life is really such a coincidence. Even if I had thought about the scene of reuniting with Lin Jun after a long absence, I never thought it would be at such a moment - my mouth was full of numbness and my mouth was drooling, while he was by the side, sketching my life with cold eyes. Ugly.
I desperately wanted to escape, escape from this hospital, escape from Lin Juntong's side, escape from five years ago that I don't want to recall. But my luck has always been bad. Before the end of the gastroscope, I was blocked by Lin Juntong in the corner beside the step ladder.
The weather outside today is not very good. Dark clouds are crowded together, a storm is premeditated to fall, and the cold wind blows silently from the window, confusing my eyes looking back at him.
And Lin Juntong also looked at me, time has polished him to be meticulous, the cold lens reflects unknown eyes, which is more terrifying than the wind and rain that has not yet fallen.
And he just blocked the only exit, leaving me no way to escape.
"How have you been all these years?"
He was silent for a long time, and the first sentence he spoke was just a common greeting. I nodded cautiously, but I didn't expect his next sentence to suddenly become aggressive: "Then what are you doing here this time? Xu Yangyi."
I looked up blankly, wondering what he meant by his question. I'm just here to see a doctor? Lin Juntong said coldly: "Isn't this your usual trick? Appear in a grand manner, disturb other people's lives, and then leave with your own pleasure."
"Otherwise, tell me that there are so many hospitals in City A, and they are not the best for treating stomach problems, nor are they the most famous. Why do you come here? Why do you want me to meet them?"
There was a hint of anger at the end of his words, but the anesthetic made me unable to say a word, and I didn't even dare to touch his gloomy face.
I was a little helpless, how should I tell him that my cafe is near here, and I have to go back to work in the afternoon. This is the reason why I chose this hospital.
I really didn't...and couldn't have come here on purpose to disturb his life.
Fortunately, a phone call suddenly called him away. He glanced at me hastily, his expression was very gloomy, and he told me not to leave. I blinked and left as soon as he left. But I couldn't help recalling the last glance he gave me, and he hesitated to hold a nurse, asking her to help me with a sentence to Lin Juntong.
She looked unhappy, and the meaning revealed in her words was obviously: "Oh, I have seen you young people a lot, it's not just because of the beauty of Dr. Turin, they already have a girlfriend, so don't disturb them. "
I could not laugh or cry, so I had to leave. It was already raining outside the hospital. I didn't bring an umbrella, so I could only let it fall on me bit by bit.
The rain in late autumn was a little cold, and I couldn't help shivering. The security guard at the door was a kind-hearted uncle. He wanted to lend me an umbrella. I shook my head and refused.
"I won't be here again. I can't return the umbrella to you."
Lin Juntong now has a stable job and a girlfriend. He has everything in his life. What I can do is, of course, to stay away from his stable life, so that he can continue to live his happy life.
I sighed with my own self-knowledge, and burrowed into the rain curtain of late autumn.
It's just that there is still a little bit of sadness in my heart. After all, I owe Lin Juntong a lot of years. I don't think I have the chance to tell him.
02
Lin Juntong hates me, which is really normal.
After all, back then, I could be said to have pursued Lin Juntong like a demon, and I moved myself to perform the plot in the romance drama over and over again.
Sometimes I am also surprised at myself at that time, how can there be such a strong relationship between people and it is necessary for him, but I just fell in love with him at first sight, and it is because of him.
Happens, Happens, Hateful Happens.
Looking back at my first encounter with Lin Juntong, it has been five years ago, when I started my freshman year. At that time, I was in a bad mood, because all the students around me were accompanied by their parents, and I was the only one who didn't fit in. The driver at home sent me here.
Before leaving, I carefully asked my mother if she could take me there. She just looked at me indifferently, with the same attitude as when I asked her what major she chose in college: "Let's talk about it."
All I seem to be able to have in my life is this kind of perfunctory - maybe, let's talk about it, you can, just figure it out.
I didn't want to be in the dorm room. There were almost ten roommates and their parents, and I had nowhere to go. What's more, their parents are very enthusiastic, so I can't adapt.
The cloudy sky blocked all the sunlight, and the trees beside the trail swayed with the wind, like withered hands with claws and claws, they surrounded me, and even the damp water vapor in the air made me flustered.
I hate such dark weather.
"I have endured you for a long time, Lin Juntong, what is there to be arrogant about?"
A unilateral quarrel exploded not far away, and the boy called Lin Juntong responded coldly, as if he was just an actor who was temporarily arrested for the top job.
"First, Yu Sen, it's your girlfriend who has been harassing me for excuses; second, in any case, my character doesn't need your judgment."
Sure enough, Lin Juntong's response made Yu Sen furious. In the midst of the increasingly loud noise, I couldn't help being curious about that Lin Juntong, so I moved my feet. But I didn't expect that it rained all night in City A last night, and the soil was slippery. I stepped into the air and slid into the viewing pool on the side.
When I thought of the two boys nearby, one sounded mindless and the other sounded cold, I couldn't help wailing about my embarrassed fate.
But I didn't expect that fate would turn around.
Lin Juntong - I later found out that he was a medical student, and his grades in professional courses were among the best. Not only did he pick me up from that pool, but he also performed first aid operations on me, who was drowning in a coma, and woke me up from the coma.
It stands to reason that I like Lin Juntong so much, and I should have a deep memory of the scene where I met him for the first time. His expression, clothes, and even how every strand of hair fluttered in the wind should be engraved in his mind.
But to be honest, when I woke up, I didn't have time to look at anything, and I saw a few passers-by pointing at me.
So in order to hide my embarrassment, I coughed two sips of water, plunged my head into Lin Juntong's arms, and cried fakely: "Thank you, thank you, classmate, you are really a hero!"
The hero didn't break my hand, lowered his head, and said in a cold voice, "I know you were listening to the wall just now."
I put down my hands in a daze, I wanted to pretend to be stupid, but Lin Juntong had already got up and was about to leave. A little bit of depression spread out in my heart, and I felt the coldness on my body with hindsight. It's just that the hot body of that person just now was close to me, and I didn't notice it at all.
I feel a little empty in my heart. But the next second, a thin shirt suddenly landed on my head, the faint lemon smell enveloped me, and I sneezed.
"If you are not feeling well, remember to go to the infirmary."
I suddenly discovered that this person's coldness was only on the surface, just like his body temperature. Only by getting close can I understand how hot and scorching he is.
That day, on a gloomy day, I suddenly caught a ray of sunshine, which made me want to cherish it in my palm.
03
"Lin Juntong, here, here, here!"
After that day, I spent money to find out about Lin Juntong. After careful preparation, I ran to the door of his classroom and brought a custom-made small cake as a thank you gift.
Lin Juntong just finished discussing the issue with his classmates, then turned his head and looked at me suspiciously. He wore a gray shirt today and stood beside the clean white wall of the teaching building, like an ink painting of appropriate shades, against the warm sunshine.
I specially went to the store to do the styling, and after carefully dressing up, I wanted to overthrow the embarrassed appearance of a chicken. It's just that I haven't been able to dig out a little surprise from Lin Juntong's eyes, but he has attracted all his attention.
"Last time you saved me, I'm here to thank you." I shook the bag with my shirt in it, "You haven't eaten yet? I've inquired about it, there is a restaurant outside the school that tastes good, why don't you go together? "
Lin Juntong just took away his shirt and glanced at me lightly: "Even if it is someone else, I will save it, so there is no need to thank you."
His outright refusal made me a little sad, but I still insisted on stuffing the cake into his hands and said with a smile: "But it was me who you saved last time, Lin Juntong, can you say that this is not fate? "
Lin Juntong frowned impatiently: "No, I hate sweets."
"Okay okay, I'll pay attention next time." I looked at his livid face, blinked and said, "That's right! Lin Juntong, my name is Xu Yangyi, my heart is rippling, Yi Shi IKEA, Don't forget me!"
I was quite satisfied with this self-introduction, but after seeing his face turn from blue to black, I still felt that I had to retreat instead of advancing, so I walked away wisely. However, the temporary rejection did not repel my enthusiasm. Every few days, I would take small gifts in Lin Juntong's classroom or dormitory.
The roommate reminded me politely: "Yang Yi, I think you want to change the way? The senior doesn't seem to like the gift you gave. Will this be counterproductive?"
In fact, no matter what method or gift, what Lin Jun didn't like at the time was just me. But I was just thinking hard about how to do what I wanted, and I finally found out that he was working on papers, so I stayed up all night in the school library, stayed up for several days, and found papers related to his research direction. a complete.
But when I eagerly went to look for Lin Jun with the USB flash drive, he told me that most of the information I was looking for could not be used.
"I... I haven't written a thesis before, I don't know that these things are superfluous..." I watched Lin Jun turn the lanyard of the USB flash drive, and there was a huge cartoon love sticker on it. I The mind is clear. Discouraged, I said, "Next time... I'll do better next time."
Lin Juntong returned the USB flash drive to me and said noncommittally, "No need, Xu Yangyi, I don't need you to be nice to me."
The U disk lies in my palm, like my unrecognized sincerity. I sighed and mumbled unwillingly, "I want to be nice to you."
But it's not easy to be nice to people, and I've never been good at this.
I had to slow down and go to guard Lin Juntong again, but I didn't expect to see Lin Juntong for a few days. Lin Juntong's hand was somehow injured, wrapped in bandages, and there was no blood on his face.
"Lin Juntong, I asked the doctor, these can help you heal your wounds, and these can help you replenish your nutrition." Carrying a backpack full of supplements and medicines, I quickly introduced to Lin Juntong, "Then, this ……this is……"
Lin Juntong added lightly on the side: "It's for blood."
I nodded quickly and glanced at Lin Juntong quietly, wanting to ask the reason, but I was afraid of annoying him, but in the end I couldn't hold back.
"Even if I don't tell you, won't you still ask someone else?"
Lin Juntong looked at me jokingly, I lowered my head angrily, and whispered, "But don't you like it? I won't continue to do things you don't like!"
"Then don't keep following me."
This will not work.
I quickly changed the subject and asked him about the injury on his hand. I couldn't help but get angry when I asked, "Who is it that hurt you! This person is really good or bad. I know you will be a doctor in the future, but I want to hurt you. Your hand, hurt... it's okay to hurt your fingernails..."
"It's one of my roommates, Yu Sen. I have some conflicts with him."
I didn't expect that Lin Juntong would tell me what happened, and he hurriedly pricked up his ears to listen. I shouted: "Isn't he jealous that you are better than him! I... I'm going to donate a laboratory building and buy a lot of top-notch medical equipment. It says Jun is the same building, anyone can go in, but he doesn't. Come in! Let him be jealous of your name for the rest of his life!"
"Xu Yangyi..." Lin Juntong was startled by my words and sighed helplessly, "You are really the strangest person I have ever met."
To be honest, I am really not good at learning, so I thought that Lin Juntong was complimenting me. So my face burned red, and I looked at Lin Juntong with bright eyes: "Is it really that special? Is it the most special to you?"
But Lin Juntong turned his head away, and my peripheral vision flickered, as if grabbing a little arc, as if Lin Juntong raised the corner of his mouth. However, his tone was the same as usual, so he had to think that I was self-indulgent.
Before leaving, I recited the doctor's order two or three times until Lin Juntong couldn't bear it any longer: "Xu Yangyi, I'm also a medical student."
The moonlight came late, poking its footsteps out of the night. I looked up at Lin Juntong's face under the moonlight, with a clearly impatient tone, but looking at my eyes, it was surprisingly soft.
Together with the bright moonlight, a piece fell on me.
04
When I was about halfway through my sophomore year, I figured out that I had been chasing Lin Juntong for a long time, even longer than a year.
A lot of things happened during this period, such as chasing Lin Juntong gave me a headache, and the food major I chose gave me even more headaches; for example, Lin Juntong moved out of the dormitory, and I went to his rental address in a shameless way. He rented a room upstairs, and he wasn't particularly disgusted...
I don't know if my perception is wrong, I always feel that Lin Juntong's attitude towards me is no longer as cold as before, so I have to go a step further and take the soup according to the soup that my aunt asked at home. After the recipe was boiled, it was sent to Lin Juntong's door.
Just the next day, that pot of soup will come back to my door. I was a little reluctant to ask Lin Juntong why he didn't want to accept my soup. He just looked at me blankly and said, "If you take a sip yourself first, maybe you'll understand why I'm giving it back to you."
I looked at the dark pot of tonic soup and still complained, "Good medicine is bitter..."
He was noncommittal.
As New Year's Eve approached, I excitedly went to invite Lin Juntong. He said impatiently: "Every year there is December 31st, what kind of special day is this?"
I explained in a low voice, "Even if it happens every year, it will only happen once a year."
Just when I thought that Lin Juntong was going to reject me, he just threw a sentence: "Our group had research that night, so I don't necessarily have time."
That doesn't mean you don't have time! I blinked and rubbed the corners of my mouth.
It snowed on the night of New Year's Eve, I was staying outside Lin Juntong's rental house, and I was suddenly a little nervous. In case he suddenly changes his mind, in case he and his classmates go to New Year's Eve, in case... in case...
As the clock struck zero, I hugged my knees and looked at the dark night above. As the countdown ended, countless dazzling fireworks bloomed, forming a colorful rain.
And I just stared at the sporadic snow, made even paler by the fireworks. I buried my head in the down jacket, trying to warm myself up, when suddenly there was a rapid sound of gasping from above.
"Are you trying to scare me to death and make me unlucky from the first moment of the new year?"
I raised my head suddenly, Lin Juntong was frowning at me. The voice-activated lights came on along with his voice, and I felt like my eyes were also lit up.
"My electric car is out of power, and I don't even have a place to charge on the way..."
I couldn't hear anything, whether he pushed me away or not, I just wanted to hug him at that moment. I just didn't expect that as soon as I stood up, another fireworks exploded in the sky not far away, which shocked me and made me fall directly into Lin Juntong's arms.
"Bang! Bang! Bang!"
I raised my head and looked at Lin Juntong with a flushed face. Lin Juntong didn't push me away, but turned his face away and said solemnly, "Hurry up and stand, you are so heavy."
"Lin Juntong." I took out two fleece gloves from my arms and shoved them into Lin Juntong's hands with a smile, "Happy New Year."
Seeing that he didn't move, I sold miserably there again: "I know you don't like sweet, salty, and sour food, and you don't want me to send you the equipment laboratory building, but I've been weaving these gloves for more than a month. Protect your hand for you, and don't reject me."
Lin Juntong had no choice but to stretch out his hand and look at it for a while before saying, "It's very artistic."
He finally took it.
That night, everything was better than I imagined.
Next to the steaming hot pot, Lin Jun and I made New Year's wishes together. He casually said that the New Year will be safe and sound, and I think his wish is too simple, so I gave him my wish.
"I hope your studies go well and become an excellent doctor in the future."
"How do you know it's the medicine I want to choose?" Lin Juntong glanced at me, "Maybe I'm just for money, or maybe I'm just for fame."
I was a little drunk, but I explained to him in a straight-forward manner: "It's not. I've seen you for so long, and when I know that you like to do something, there is light in your eyes."
"You rescued the old grandfather by the road last time, and the pregnant woman last time, and the child from earlier... Every time they thank you, you smile very nicely. So, Lin Juntong..."
"I will give you my first wish every year in the future. Although I know that you don't need any wishes, you can easily achieve your dreams..." Lin Juntong in front of him was already a little blurry, and I narrowed my eyes hard. But I couldn't see the expression on his face, so I had to continue to say, "But I just want to give you what I can have, so when? When you look at me, there will be light in your eyes. ?"
Later, I was completely drunk and confused, and I only remembered that Lin Juntong put a quilt over me. The moonlight came through the window and fell on the bottom of his eyes as he looked at me, making me see a hazy light.
I don't know if it was reality or an illusion, but at that moment, a beautiful illusion bloomed warmly in my heart.
As if he loves me. As if I was loved by him.
05
If the story of me and Lin Juntong can be written into a beautiful fairy tale, then the end of the story should stay on New Year's Eve that year. It's a pity that reality is always cold, people are always fickle, not to mention a bad person like me.
If Lin Juntong softens his attitude towards me, I will crave more, want more time to be with him, want him to talk to me more, want him to see me more, only Look at me.
I want to knock open his icy exterior and hold out the fire inside him, even if I burn myself to ashes.
In fact, thinking about it, I have such absurd thoughts, which also stems from the illusion that Lin Jun gave me from time to time. I have said long ago that my ability to understand is not good, and I always take his occasional tenderness as his favor for me.
Like my twentieth birthday.
My parents are busy with their respective careers, and my impression of birthdays since I was a child is just a lot of beautiful gifts and a routine "Happy Birthday".
And the gift that day was an extra phone call. The mother on the other end of the phone calmly explained the fact to me that her marriage with my father might be coming to an end, and asked me if I was interested in working for my father's food company. Also studying food.
I told her that today is my birthday, she seemed stunned for a moment: "It's you... I'm sorry Yangyi, happy birthday."
After hanging up the phone, I looked at the empty room and felt a little tired for no reason. I sat down in front of Lin Juntong's door and shrank into a small ball.
"What are you going to do today?"
Lin Juntong came back and looked at me dissatisfiedly as I blocked his door. I sniffed and whispered, "I didn't do anything, it's just my birthday today..."
Lin Jun sighed together. The surroundings suddenly became quiet, and I didn't want to raise my head, let alone accept the fact that Lin Juntong was tired of me and left here.
But the next second, there were soft footsteps. I raised my head, Lin Jun came to me with a cake, the afterglow of the setting sun plated a warm circle around him.
I was suddenly a little overwhelmed, and even my nose was sore that I wanted to cry.
"Lin Juntong..."
He handed me the cake awkwardly: "Isn't it your birthday? Happy birthday."
I was holding the cake and tears suddenly fell on the plastic box. Lin Juntong was stunned, and I couldn't help asking: "Lin Juntong, can you treat me alone? Can you be kind to me all the time?"
He just stuffed the tissue into my hand and said helplessly, "I don't understand why you're crying."
I don't know what I'm crying, but I just feel that my heart is like a deserted beach, and one day the moonlight suddenly shines. The moonlight was bright and gentle, shining brightly on every sand.
But the moon is not mine alone, even if I want to monopolize it.
Lin Juntong's excellence makes him always surrounded by many classmates. He can easily win the goodwill and friendship of others, and love is just as easy for him.
When he was a senior, he joined a research group and was very busy every day, sometimes sleeping directly in the laboratory. I know that Lin Juntong doesn't like me going to his classroom to block him, but I see him less and less time, which is a bit unbearable.
So I started secretly going to his laboratory building, watching him quietly every day, watching him chatting with other classmates happily, and knowing that one or two schoolgirls liked him, and would deliberately put a soft tone when asking him for advice, especially gentle and sweet. people.
Lin Juntong seemed no different to them than to me.
A touch of alienation, a touch of tenderness, everything is a faint look.
"Lin Juntong, I think we got along very happily during this time. Do you think it is possible that you will like me?"
But he thought that I was acting in a different way, and there happened to be a phone call urgently calling him to the laboratory, so he casually responded to me: "Be calm."
But I can't learn to be quiet, and I can't learn to be gentle. I will just keep chasing and insisting. Apart from being unsatisfied, I'm left with a dead skin.
I thought I could endure it, but the emotional collapse is often just a split second.
When my parents' marriage broke down completely, I went to Lin Juntong in a panic, trying to fill him into my empty heart, and to get a little tenderness and comfort from him.
At the entrance of the experimental building where people come and go, I burst into tears at Lin Juntong. He was called out of the laboratory by me. I didn't know the reason. I just thought I wanted to toss him again. I lowered my voice and asked impatiently, "Xu Yangyi, what are you doing?"
With tears in my eyes wide open, I hugged his hand and said, "I...I want your love. If there is no love, I would rather die."
He frowned, and I choked again: "Why can't you like me? I don't want to see you discussing with your classmates, laughing with them, or participating in their research. I want to keep, always With you, only with you, okay?"
"Xu Yangyi." Lin Juntong seemed to have noticed my morbid face for the first time, with disbelief in his tone, "I can't understand you, you are a little unreasonable."
He pulled his hand from my arms, and I could not help crying when I heard his footsteps leaving. But I just can't do anything, it's me who's dead skinned, and it's me who's confused.
He's been on the sidelines in my life, but I've been reluctant to understand.
That year, I left City A in embarrassment to study abroad.
For a long time, tears and loneliness made me slowly understand a fact-
No one loves me, no one wants to love me.
Except myself.
06
"Boss, why is your cake so unpalatable!"
I raised my head in despair, since I left the hospital that day, I have never seen Lin Juntong again, as if his appearance was just a glimpse of my dream, but it made me uneasy for a long time.
In front of him was a gangster-looking boy, holding a plate of cake, his face full of anger. My scalp was numb, and after making sure it wasn't my own problem, I explained to him that my preference was a personal taste. If I didn't like it, I could recommend another one to him.
But he guessed that he was chasing the girl next to him, he must win some face in front of his sweetheart, and he insisted that I admit that it was not my level.
I rubbed my swollen head, and suddenly a figure inserted into the confrontation between me and the boy, and asked coldly, "What are you doing?"
The beat of my heart was all messed up.
It was Lin Juntong. He had a stern look on his face, and the anger in his eyes didn't know if it was left over from the last time.
"Is there a problem with the cake, or are you looking for a problem on purpose?" Lin Juntong lowered his head and looked down at the boy, "If there is a problem with the cake, I can help you to call the Health Supervision Bureau, do you need it?"
The boy finally walked away in despair. It didn't matter if he left, but I was left alone to face Lin Juntong's inexplicable anger.
"You just stand there motionless? What if he hits someone?"
I don't know how to answer, and to be honest, I don't quite understand why Lin Juntong suddenly found me, nor what he wants to do. So I had to tentatively speak: "Actually... if you are worried that I will disturb you, I can guarantee that I will definitely be very calm."
He still didn't say a word, and I laughed dryly: "Look, I haven't bothered you for the past five years, haven't I? It was really just an accident when I met you that day. You see that my store is near the hospital, so I will Go there, and later...I promise not to."
I thought that what I said was reasonable, but what I didn't expect was that Lin Juntong's anger burst out.
"Five years...you know there are five years." He growled, the corners of his eyes turning red. He looked at me and asked angrily, "You disappeared for five years without saying a word to me, and no one knows where you went! Xu Yangyi, why did you leave without a word in the first place?"
I raised my head blankly, and always felt that my characters and Lin Juntong had lost their way.
Five years ago, it was Xu Yangyi who would ask such a hoarse question, and Lin Juntong should be more calm, more rational, more... more indifferent.
But why? Why does Lin Juntong look at me with such sad eyes, as if a traveler who has been traveling for a long time has finally found an oasis, but can only wander sadly at the gate of the oasis.
"Forest……"
I opened my mouth, but the next moment, Lin Juntong suddenly collapsed in front of me. My heart skipped a beat and I reached out to support him, only to find that his forehead was hot.
I hurriedly ride a bike to take him to the hospital, and I said one second that I would never go to that hospital, but the next second I ran there non-stop.
What the hell is going on here? I was devastated, but fortunately everyone inside recognized Lin Juntong, and the nurse came over to comfort me after dangling him. Coincidentally, it was the last time.
"So you and Dr. Lin know each other!" The nurse smiled awkwardly, "Don't worry, Dr. Lin is just too tired during this time, just rest more."
I was a little worried: "Lin Jun...does Dr. Lin have a lot of things to do?"
"He just graduated, and things are fine," the nurse said. "It's just that he didn't know why, he went to the security guard every day to check the surveillance, and when he came every morning, his eyes were dark, and he didn't know what to do. ."
I was stunned for a moment. Lin Jun checked the surveillance together... to find me?
My mind was filled with thousands of whys, but I finally asked another question: "You said last time that Dr. Lin has a girlfriend, what kind of person is his girlfriend?"
"Hey, we haven't seen each other, just heard him say they've been dating for a long time, maybe five years."
I held my breath. Lin Juntong was still lying on the hospital bed, his face was pale, and he was clearly still asleep, but his brows were still furrowed, as if he was immersed in an uneasy dream.
Five years ago, Lin Juntong said he couldn't understand what I was thinking.
Five years later, I still don't understand what Lin Juntong is thinking.
Apparently five years ago, all the love-hate entanglements between me and him were nothing more than a one-man show of my own desperate struggle. But why, five years later, does he act like... like he loves me too? But that's an illusion, and an illusion breeds cravings, and cravings turn me into a monster called greed. I'm scared.
I will not disturb Lin Juntong again, and I hope that Lin Juntong will not come to me again.
When he left, Lin Juntong was still tossing and turning uneasy in his dream. His weak voice was hidden in the noise, but it was caught by my ears.
"sorry……"
I couldn't help but look back at him. The light outside the window broke through the dark clouds, slanted through the window, and landed at my feet.
I took a breath and lifted my foot away from the room full of light.
07
Lin Juntong began to come to my cafe frequently.
It's just that every time he comes, he just orders a cup of coffee and sits in the corner. Only when I was not busy did he come to me and ask, "Can we talk?"
The doctor's work is very busy, and the time he can squeeze out is only noon or evening.
Many times when I saw him, he had two pieces of blue and black hanging under his eyes. Sometimes he was holding a computer to study materials, and sometimes he rubbed his brows to answer the leader's call.
He could actually be more relaxed, there's no need to spend time... wasting with me all the time.
So I relaxed and said to him, "Let's talk then."
He nodded silently.
"Since I was young, my parents have been indifferent to me. As a person, I have always had problems with my behavior." I took a bite of the cake, the sticky sweetness filled my mouth, and went straight to the point, "I thought I liked it at first. You, you have been pursuing you regardless, in fact, it is just because you saved me and made me feel that you are very good, so I want to rely on you."
"That day... that day was because my parents got divorced, and I had a fight with you because I was emotionally unstable. Later, I left and went abroad to continue my studies. These have nothing to do with you, so you don't have to blame yourself all the time, and you don't have to feel I owe it to me. After all, it all happened because of my self-righteousness."
I finished my words slowly, but the cake was placed in my hand, and I didn't take another bite.
I think that after the chat this time, Lin Juntong will be able to release the shackles in his heart and be completely free. But after hearing me, Lin Juntong just asked, "Is it my turn to speak?"
His eyes glanced out the window, his face was tired, and his eyes were flashing with neon lights, as if the years were constantly flowing in his eyes.
"I've thought about it for a long time, but I still don't understand what kind of feelings I have for you. I hated you, I hated you, when you were always by my side. But I also care about you, miss you, After you left without saying goodbye. Human feelings are so strange, obviously just a bunch of neurons, but every time I recall you, all the reactions tell me that I am very sad.
"I thought it was my inferiority as a human being..."
But in the first year, Lin Juntong couldn't concentrate on his research.
In the second and third years, Lin Juntong went to the school where Xu Yangyi had studied to find her, following what he had inquired about. In the fourth and fifth year, Lin Juntong used the pieces of information to piece together a complete Xu Yangyi. But the real Xu Yangyi could never be found, and his remorse eroded his heart of constant memories.
"But it wasn't."
That is not the inferiority of human beings, it is just the love that has grown late from his dull and naive years.
"You said that you were self-righteous when you liked me at the beginning. If it was really just self-righteous, why was it me? Why not someone else? There are thousands of people in the world, why is it only me who treats you well and makes you cherish it so much?"
The bitter taste of the cream left in my mouth smothered me. I opened my mouth, but I couldn't say a word of rebuttal.
I was timid and wanted to run away again, but this time Lin Juntong didn't block my way. He just gently wiped the tears off my face and said "I'm sorry".
I choked and asked, "Why do you say sorry?"
His eyes were red, but his tone was cherished: "I'm sorry I lied back then, no matter in the past, now, or in the future, there are too many possibilities for me to like Xu Yangyi."
I like the girl who always follows him and watches him warmly, and who makes him clumsy and oblivious to reason.
I cried bitterly, for the love that was finally affirmed, for the me who was finally loved. Before, I had been loving him self-righteously, but that kind of love was not respectful enough, so he was unwilling to accept it. Later, I have been self-righteous and not loving him, deceiving myself is just false, so that I can make myself feel better.
But Lin Juntong easily broke my lie.
But——When I went back to City A, didn't I expect to meet Lin Juntong?
My subconscious mind had already made a decision for me one step ahead - I buried myself in Lin Juntong's arms, let the tears wet his chest, and listened to his chaotic heartbeat.
The weather forecast said that from today, the rainy season will completely pass, and City A is about to usher in a long sunny day.
Every day, it will embrace the sky.
Last updated: October 6, 2022